my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
