Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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