so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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