If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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