allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
