my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
