dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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