i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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