I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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