no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
