I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
