someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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