I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
