Michael Bay diarrhea
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
