I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
