on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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