FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
