I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
