New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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