The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
