smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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