Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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