So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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