I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
