I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
