I wish my penis had an off switch
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
