I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
