Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
