HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
birth control should be required to get into college
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
