He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
