Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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