Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
