It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
