i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
