I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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