Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
