Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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