my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
