Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
