The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
