its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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