Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
