she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
