i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
