the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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