you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
