I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
