I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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