I think I died a long time ago.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
40s are totally the cure
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
