did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
