he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
