So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you traded sex for a burrito?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
